after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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