her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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