last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
