If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i think i have two assholes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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