You smell like stripper and shame
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
