It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
