I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
