hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
