I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
