Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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