i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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