Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
