My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
