It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i came on her dog
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize