Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
