So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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