dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize