John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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