Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
