oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
