I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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