It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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