This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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