There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
love makes seman taste better
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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