He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
