Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You pole danced in your parka.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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