i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
