why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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