dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
