the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize