I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
