I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I faked an abortion last night.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
