he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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