My cat gives me a boner
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
