I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
