I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
