how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
