Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize