i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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