You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
