I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
