porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
