So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
