Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
