He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
