Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize