you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize