you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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