So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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