It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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