It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
