You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
