dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A+ Viking dick
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
