She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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