I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
