i don't like sucking hair
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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