theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
