a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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