I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
