How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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