I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
