Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize